Psychiatric Hospital

It's been awhile since my last post. I felt the urge to share with you my experience at my first level II fieldwork. I was placed at a psychiatric hospital. This is what I wanted. I had hoped for this placement before I began OT school. When I found out I was placed at this hospital, I cried because I was so happy. A few weeks later, I found out my placement within the hospital. It was the forensic unit. This meant for the next 3 months I would be working closely with individuals with a mental illness and a legal status. This included sex offenders and murders. Wow. Just typing those words leave me feeling heavy. I was terrified because this was completely out of my comfort zone. This pushed me to my edge. I tried to keep an open mind but it was hard. I still remember my first day- I was so afraid. I remember being starred down, all the inappropriate comments and the men towered over me. I felt like fresh meat in a wild jungle.

This placement turned out to be the most influential experiences of my life. I can't even begin to explain all of the things that I saw. It was like nothing I could have even imagined. Some memories I wish I could take away.

What I really want to speak of is what these patients taught me. They generously shared so much of their life with me. They expressed what its like to be so disconnected from society, what it's like to hear/see violent things that you wish would stop, what it's like to feel numb, what it's like to have no support, and what it's like to live everyday with fear and shame.

It is innate for us as humans to want to feel connected. Therefore, disconnection can be a very dangerous place. 99% of my patients had a horrible upbringing faced with abuse and neglect. It is no surprise that they are disconnected from themselves and society. And yet, it was obvious that many desired that connection. They wanted to be seen, heard, and valued. I as a therapist held space for that. As a result, I quickly became very connected with my patients. I was authentic and openly shared my story with them. A story that I never had enough courage to share. But I too wanted to feel connected. This created space for vulnerability and some patients shared their darkest moments. It made me realize that by showing my own vulnerably allowed others to have the courage to be vulnerable too.

When I truly got to know my patients, I realized that deep within them is a good hearted soul that got lost along the way. I greatly enjoyed my time with them and cried when it was over. They have endured some pretty shitty things and continue to do so. Living in a state psychiatric hospital may be one of the hardest things. But living with a mental illness is even harder. They are brave and courageous. They wake up everyday and continue to live. I commend that.

They changed my perspective completely. They are humans. I see them as my equals and do not define them by their legal status.

I will leave you with this- next time you are about to pass judgement ask yourself- how can I judge this person without even knowing their story.

Peace & love, M